I don’t worry about much – just things I can control, things I can’t and things that never happen. I recently worried about a newspaper from the year 2039. Its headlines read something like this:

Spotted owl plague devastates northwestern United States’ crops and livestock, area states seek federal disaster relief.

Yellowstone National Park announces temporary closure as wolf attack upswing continues.

Aged unlogged forests burn out of control, leave thousands dead.

Former President Hillary Clinton addresses 2039 Sierra Club Conference.

England overrun by foxes, King William flummoxed as U.K. poultry prices reach record high.

Courts rule archery politically incorrect; U.S. Olympic Team disbanded.

Last U.S. commercial fisherman announces retirement.

Chronic Wasting Disease epidemic worsens as hunting revenues decline, research funding slashed.

Age of average U.S. hunter hits 72 years.

Texas whitetail population declines as statewide drought continues, median deer lease fee falls to $107,000.

Three states consider hunting reinstatement as whitetail-auto collision fatalities set record.

Federal Jobs Program funds taxidermists’ mortuary science retraining.

House approves 600% fishhook tax, Senate passage expected.

Outdoor Channel purchases rights to X-Games, announces new programming format.

35-year, $75.8 billion study concludes: Diets lacking meat protein impair common sense.

Snail darter concern prompts ban on gasoline powered watercraft.

T.P.W.D. announces 2040 Hunter Safety course only available on X-Box, PlayStation.

Urban coyote population runs rampant as U.S. poodle numbers hit all-time low.

Ted Kennedy sets sights on 13th term, proposes tighter sling-shot control.

U.S. Surgeon General denies pointed teeth aid meat consumption.

Bass Pro Shops announces sale of last retail store to Starbucks.

Sotheby’s auctions last-produced Remington rifle.

P.E.T.A. announces public stock offering following record thirteenth consecutive profitable year.

NASCAR adopts California emission standards, Dale Earnhardt IV wins Daytona 500 with average speed of 62 mph.

T.P.W.D. announces closure of three remaining state parks, cites lack of visitors, budget shortfall.

Hon. Ted Nugent Jr. lone dissenter as Supreme Court mandates Boy Scout, Girl Scout merger.

Animal cruelty charges filed against teens possessing largemouth bass, barbed fishhooks.

S.P.C.A. court petition delays 79th annual Bassmaster Classic.

Indoor Life, Field & Dream announce record circulation.

France pleads for world assistance following Jamaican invasion.

Hunting, fishing top list of fastest growing Mexican industries.

Supreme Court rules punishing criminals a violation of their civil rights.

President Chelsea Clinton commemorates 30th anniversary of U.S. handgun ban.

N.Y.P.D. reports average criminal apprehended possesses 2.6 handguns, up six percent from 2038.

Smith & Wesson surpasses Swingline as top manufacturer of staple-guns and staple-gun accessories.

Disney signs Michael Moore to direct Bambi sequel.

Domestic cat population soars, next-to-last song bird species confirmed extinct.

New York Kennel Club eliminates Retriever competition, citing insufficient entries.

President-elect George Z. Bush pledges to decriminalize knife possession.

Texas legislators commemorate anniversary of U.S secession with dove hunt, wild game dinner.

Ah, but these headlines could never happen. We all give a little back. We all bless our children and others as we were blessed with the gift of the outdoors. We all know how to contact our senators and congressmen. We all make ourselves heard. We all think of tomorrow as well as today.

Or do we?

Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman and Alfred E. Neuman devotee. Email him at tripp@theoutdoor tripp.com.