Aug 29 2015
  • Today

    93°F 70°F

  • Tomorrow

    94°F 69°F

I'm going to talk about something you may have read a little about: The Brady Bunch—Tom and his partners in an alleged Jenny Craig crime.
I will begin by saying I have no idea whether he or the ball boys are guilty of deflating footballs. Until all this happened, I thought it was PEOPLE who were deflated when they were depressed.
The investigation has become too murky to know if Brady sent coded messages to the boys, maybe saying, "Let's take care of our Pound of Flesh."
If you're like me—a fan—what burns me up is I never dreamed of football weight causing a controversy. I had plenty of footballs in my room and in the backyard as a boy—yes, even the kind that were made after the rounder ones that were much more conducive to drop kicking.
My mother—may God rest her soul—didn't know the difference between the Cleveland Browns and Brownies' cookies, so she never worried about the weight of the footballs I owned. She didn't come rushing out into the yard to say, "No more crossing patterns till we see if the ball feels heavy enough!"
All I cared about was for the grip around the laces feeling firm. That was the thrill. Today, do you know how many stitches a baseball should have? What should a soccer ball or basketball weigh? How thick should the hair be on tennis balls?
We don't know this stuff, but I expect people like Roger Goodell and his staff, who have fancy (expensive) lunches at New York in-places like P.J. Clarke's and get free bus fare to Green Bay and Buffalo, to KNOW what the dad-gum ball weighs, why they should care, who's in charge of that challenge, and whose responsibility it is to bring the scales! Refs, I hope you're also listening.
What will be the next accusation of illegalities? The mouthpiece tastes like Dentyne? The home team's benches offer more comfort than Tempur-Pedic?
All I'm saying is I don't want to be worrying about if someone cheated four months after the game ended. Have some smart, young men and women watch a ton of games on video tape in the off-season to see infractions we may never imagine.
And here's a suggestion: ban the darn gloves for receivers. Some of those seem like they can grab a football—even the ones not deflated—easier than Yogi Berra could have caught the 27th out in Don Larsen's perfect game.
Suggestion 2: What's with all the iPad pictures of plays just run? It always seems like Peyton Manning is scrutinizing photos on the bench like he's Ansel Adams after a trip to Yosemite. How many 8x10s did Thorpe or Baugh examine?
The sideline is part of a gridiron. It's not a portrait studio.