I’ve lived outside Texas. Yes, I confess I’ve exercised poor judgment, moving out of state on more than one occasion. Thank you good people for seeing fit to let me back in.

One thing I’ve learned during my travels, other than New Jersey truly is Hell, is how Texas’ annual seasons differ from those elsewhere. It isn’t our Indian summer, lack of a true winter, or that leaves beautifully turn elsewhere and just die here. It’s while most places have four distinct seasons, Texas has just three: deer season, football season and the holiday season.

Loving to hunt, watch football and celebrating holidays like a snake would love legs, this is fine by me. Since 106% of all Texans are deer hunters, football fans and enjoy a good party, I am sure you agree.

There is however, one thing that really gets me riled, and if I ever meet the conspirators responsible for aligning these seasons, someone is in big trouble.

How in God’s name can all three seasons happen at once? This must be some sort of conspiracy. There’s no other possible answer. If anyone has any knowledge regarding this criminal act, please contact me. I’ve got a butt-chewing phone call to make.

When do 99.9% of us hunt? October through January, Friday to Sunday, that’s when. However, much to our chagrin, Friday nights bring high school football, Saturday, college football, and Sunday, the NFL.

God forbid you get an early start to the deer lease and miss Thursday night college football. It’s a conspiracy I tell you.

Think you can outlast football season? No way. How does a Texan spell “closing weekend?” S-u-p-e-r-b-o-w-l.

Maybe you’re the one in three-zillion hunters who isn’t a football fan. Problem solved? Hardly. You’ve got to contend with the holiday season — coming at you bigger than Dallas, devouring your weekends like Godzilla ate Tokyo.

We’re not just talking Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, folks. We’re talking Yom Kippur, Columbus Day, Bosses’ Day, United Nations Day, Day of the Dead, Election Day, Veteran’s Day, Pearl Harbor Day, Halloween, Boxing Day, Hanukah, Ramadan, Kwanza, and Mexican Revolution Day.

It’s a conspiracy, plain and simple.

Lord help the friend who invites me to a wedding during hunting season.

Think you were smart postponing summer chores to avoid the heat? Sorry friends, once it’s cool enough to tackle the honey-do’s, Muy Grande’ comes calling. You just can’t win.

And did the same knuckleheads concoct the Spring-forward, Fall-back lunacy? When does this annual miscarriage of justice occur? You guessed it…the start of hunting season. They have made my Friday evenings hunt-less, and left me making camp in the dark. Maybe they own a flashlight factory.

One big fat travesty, but fear not friends, there may be a solution. Get your honey-do’s done on time, always carry a good flashlight, befriend only married folks, eat turkey in July, Christmas shop in August, buy a generator and TV for deer camp and a portable for the blind, vote absentee and pray your kids never play football.

Did I say solution? Sounds more like a prison sentence. It’s a conspiracy I tell you…a conspiracy.

Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman who needs to clone himself. Email him at tripp@theoutdoortripp.com.