Fish, hunt and camp are four-letter words? - Those responsible for hunting and football seasons coinciding aren’t in jail? - Your household chores fester for months, but when camp chores call you can’t be there fast enough?
Your wife is never gone when you try to sneak a new gun in the house? - Bologna only tastes good outdoors? - At 5:00 a.m., no two ranch gates are ever alike? - There is no such thing as ground expandage?
Blood is only hard to find when you look for it? - Your anniversary is impossible to remember, but opening day is impossible to forget? - A clean car feels good, but a dirty truck feels better?
Two hundred pairs of shoes aren’t enough, but ten guns are too many? - A bad day in the field always beats a good day in the office? - The only idiot who’d put a blind on a fence line, has the lease next yours? - You only see coyotes when unarmed?
Venison is the most expensive meat on the planet, yet you keep it in the back of the freezer? - The larger the trophy, the less the recoil? - The blind window you don’t open always offers the best shot?
If it comes in camo, your family assumes it’s a good present? - Raccoons can destroy what a demolition team can’t? - Your feeder throws the same time each morning as expected, but always scares the hell out of you?
Hunters on television don’t have bag limits? - You’re never as thin as the widest gap in the fence? -Weekend weddings, anniversaries and birthdays during hunting season, are legal? - There is no such thing as a bad beer in deer camp?
The more important the item, the more likely you left it at home? - Vegetarians wear leather? - Forgetting your camera increases the odds you’ll shoot something? - A campfire can never be too big?
If prickly pear is across the fence, a falling dove will always find it? - Buck fever only strikes the one with the gun? - You’ve used feeders for years, but get nailed every test-throw? - Forgetting your earplugs guarantees snoring campmates?
You can gut a deer without blinking, but can’t watch someone get a shot? - Even the smartest wasp mistakes your deer blind for a nest? - An old hunting magazine never gets boring? - “Favorite hunting shirt” on Mars means “Goodwill donation” on Venus?
Hunting blinds stimulate kidneys and shrink bladders? The biggest bucks are found across the fence, out of range, or a day out of season? - Doves go from stupid, to the world’s smartest birds in less than a week? - New rifles scratch easiest?
At home, something is worth its weight in gold, but in camp, worth its weight in toilet paper? - There’s never enough time to sight in your rifle, until after you’ve missed? - Truck doors make the most noise just before sunrise? - Fire ants don’t eat chiggers?
The odds of seeing a particular deer are directly proportional to your desire not to shoot it? - You never hear the story of the little one that got away? - People don’t blink spending ten dollars getting into a gun show, but haggle like hell to save five bucks once inside?
Sometimes you’ve just got to get things off your chest.
Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman in search of answers. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.